YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

DAVID WOOD LOOKS AT THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THE GAME

MY VIEW ON PIMPLES!

Dear Surfers,

     Since I started playing in the Halifax League some years ago, I have found that I am constantly in demand for sound and serious advice on all matters relating to Table Tennis. Only the other night for example, Alan Cooke asked me where the toilets are at the Centre.I also get a lot of enquiries through the post and here is the latest example from my mailbag:

Dear Warrior Dave,

Cud you please give me some tips on how to deal wiv pimples like what you play wiv please.

Yours anonymously,

Saul Pantsfield.

Well, a touch of editorial dyslexia there, me thinks!

Anyway, I will call our anonymous contact Pants, for short!

Well, Pants here are some tips which I think you will find pretty dammed helpful:

1. Pimples come in two colours, red and black.

2. You will find that players with black pimples do not use sponge, nor will they have much experience of soap and water either!

3. The technical term for black pimples is blackheads – which can sometimes miraculously turn into red pimples overnight!

4. Always do a spot-check on your opponent if they have pimples.

5. Remember to wipe the table thoroughly when you change ends – do not use your tongue for this though.

6. Use Biactol rubber cleaner on your bat regularly.

7. Keep fit when playing against pimples – try to do 50 zit-ups before each game.

And lastly, remember that carbuncles are a whole different boil game….!

Good Luck!

SERVICE WITH A SMILE!

     Like many of you, no doubt, I was fascinated by Professor Stansfield’s article on receiving serves in the Improve Your Game section. I am constantly impressed by Stan’s encyclopaedic knowledge of the game. It’s a shame it deserted him in the Mens Doubles Final at the 2002 Closed Championships. Only kidding Stan!!

     Anyway, what I would like to do in the wake of the last issue is to offer some serious tips on the type of service you should employ to enhance your all-round game. So here we go then!

1. Make sure that your vehicle gets a regular service. So important for actually starting the game itself.
2. If you are playing someone who is significantly better than you, seriously consider the power of prayer and attend a church service prior to the match.
3. Please avoid confusing the above two options as it can be a bumpy ride getting your car up the church steps.
4. If you envisage fire hazards at the venue, a touch of violence or trouble from your intended opponents, then you should contemplate ringing the emergency services.
5. If you suspect that there will be a military coup on your match night, you will definitely need the armed services at your disposal. Do take care with any depleted uranium though.
6. If, like Harry Thompson you like a nice cup of tea after your match then you should always have a lovely bone china tea service in your kit bag. Just remember to cock your little finger when using this type of service.
7. Lastly, when you have finished a long gruelling match, undoubtedly involving the charismatic Bob Woodhead, make sure you find a pub that serves after time!

Good Luck Chaps!

FUMING! (My views on speed glue)

     Following Professor Stansfield’s erudite thesis on how to play against funny bats and rubbers in the Improve Your Game section, I am offering this article on how best to deal with the scourge of modern table tennis, Speed Glue!

Here are some strategies to consider when your opponent is a gluer.

1)      Before your intended match phone the Police and inform them that your opponent is a hardened solvent abuser. The evidence to support this can be found in the player’s kit bag. If all goes well your opponent will be locked up in the cells by the time you are due to play and you will receive the set as a walkover.

2)      Assuming this does not work, wait for your opponent to start gluing up, then casually light a large Havana cigar with a specialist cigar match. Proceed to blow large clouds of thick smoke in their direction thus making it difficult for them to see. Finally, toss the lighted match in the general direction of the smoke and depart quickly.

3)       If the aforementioned do not work you will have no option but to play the gluer in question. Throughout the match you should complain bitterly about feeling nauseous, dizzy and faint, particularly when changing ends.

4)      Having lost the game you need to consider revenge. So, when your opponent is in the Coffee Lounge gloating over your annihilation, take their can of Speed Glue out of their bag and replace it with a similar tin that you have refilled earlier with Super Glue. This is a relatively expensive option however, but you will have the immense satisfaction of knowing that the next time they glue up it will be their last!

I personally recommend Polycell Vinyl wallpaper paste to affix your rubbers, with a lovely floral edging tape as a nice finishing touch.

Good Luck Chaps!